BERNERD REPORTS:
"Spiderman 3" just made it to Starz. It debuted this Saturday and that is where I first saw it. Believe me, I wasn't about to give them a penny after the horror that was "Spiderman 2" in theaters. I think that might have been worse than my "Kingdom of Heaven" adventure, but don't get me started on that.

Sometimes, when you expect a movie to be really bad, it turns around and surprises you. You're expectations are so low, anything it does actually looks pretty good. That was not the case with Spidey 3. Oh my gosh! It was worse than I could have ever imagined. A hodge-podge of special effects and spinning-out-of-control storylines that wove randomly in and out while M.J. and Peter stared at eachother. What did the bad guys want? What did our hero want?

It seems like a pretty basic formula to fill out. In fact. Let's try it.
First, with a pretty well-known superhero: Superman.
And yes, DC Comics are way better than Marvel anyday!

SUPERMAN
SUPERHERO POWER(s): Flight/Speed/X-Ray Vision
SUPERHERO WEAPON(s): Strength/Heat-Vision
SUPERHERO WEAKNESS: Kryptonite
GOAL: To keep Lois and Metropolis safe - while staying away from all things Kryptonite.

Pretty simple, eh? Let's try Spiderman.

SPIDERMAN
SUPERHERO POWER(s): Climbs walls/shoots webby things/makes webby things/ climbs webby things/apparently randomly strong/can fall really far without getting hurt
SUPERHERO WEAPON(s): Webby things? Not really sure...
SUPERHERO WEAKNESS: Frogs? I don't really know. He seems to get his butt kicked pretty royally no matter who he faces.
GOAL: To be with Mary Jane except when she misunderstands something he says/does/doesn't do - and then he mustn't ever try to explain, in fact, a key goal of Spiderman's is to be silent and weird at all times. He also seems to be trying to keep his job as a freelance photographer while saving people as Spiderman - though the fact that he can't make more than 50 bucks a picture only goes further to show what a complete idiot he is.

HUH?
How is a bad guy even supposed to enter that storyline? Spiderman is doing a fine job of screwing things up on his own. Lex Luthor may be a little goofy, but at least it's clear what he's doing. Sandman wanted to get money for his daughter, but then changes his mind and goes all Kill Bill on Peter. What was Sandman's weakness anyway? Water? Heat? Oh wait, that's right, it was the pumpkin bombs. But they didn't really kill him, they just made him sad and sentimental or something. And Venom? Only one of the coolest bad guys and they made him into Topher Grace? Could you imagine if halfway through "Scream" they badly imposed Skeet Ulrich's face on the front of the infamous mask? Even then, at least Skeet didn't spend 8 years jumping off a trampoline with Ashton Kutcher while being filmed with "Acid Cam".

The final thing I'll say about Spiderman is that, besides the diarrhea approach to writing, the chinless Tobey Maguire, the pouting M. J. and the ridiculously pointless amnesia sessions, what in the world was with the little parade down the street with crotch cam? The black goo apparently turned Peter Parker into some Pee Wee Herman/Quentin Tarantino homeless disco gay bar dancer. Is this supposed to tell us something about Peter? The goo turns Topher into kick-ass Venom, and Peter starts cutting a rug? It was one of the creepier things I've ever seen. The only thing that would have made it worse would be clowns. Slow motion clowns.



In other words, my worst nightmare.

I can't get this Black Goo out of my mind... More Wine!

-Bern