Then the movie came out...and the reviews, well they were nothing to brag about. But, being the objective person that I am -- and often someone who disagrees with the critics anyway -- I was still determined for a good outcome.

This is the point in my post where the carefully constructed and witty sentences stop. From this point forward, I am officially deeming this post a rant...

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!

Let's start with the writers of this horrible mess of a movie. Can anyone say plot depth? Because there was no trace of it whatsoever in this film. You don't care about the characters, you don't care about what they're doing, you don't care about right and wrong, you don't even care about what this paper thin storyline is...trust me, all you will be caring about is how many minutes, seconds, milliseconds you have to watch hell reincarnated on the massive screen in front of you.

Since I am avidly pleading with you all not to see this movie, I really don't feel guilty giving away the would be plot. The movie is about two cops (Pacino and Deniro, but I'm sure you knew that already...) who are determined to bring down the bad guys. At what cost? Well, apparently at the cost of planting evidence. Deniro plants a gun in the apartment of a child sex offender who got off. The guy didn't commit the crime he was charged for, but Deniro figured it was justified because he had committed a crime at some point in his life.

(quick side note: yes I will be using Deniro and Pacino's actual names. Two reasons: 1. I would like to keep you with me on this. 2. I honestly for the life of me can't remember their names in the movie)

After the evidence planting, things start to go "haywire". A series of murders start to occur, all the victims, interestingly enough, are felons themselves. In an act to appear clever, each new scene is complete with a little poem about how the person is going to die. They sound a little something like this...hem hem "I saw a cat. And then I hit you with a bat. You were wearing an orange hat. But then it was taken by a rat."

At first, they want you to think that some new serial killer is on the loose, not soon after though they want you to think that Deniro, in his self-righteous effort to bring the bad guys down, is committing the murders. Oh, and by the way, Deniro's girlfriend gets off on rough sex...just thought I'd throw that in there even though it really doesn't have anything to do with the story. Hmmm, maybe THEY should have thought about that!

At this point we are about 20 minutes into the movie and they are desperately pushing Deniro as the killer into our brains. Here's what I want to know, how stupid did they really think people were? Isn't the first rule of a murder mystery that the first real suspect is never the actual killer? It's too obvious, it's too blase! I would have even been a little bit impressed if Deniro actually had ended up being the killer, because by the way they were shoving it in your face he was so obviously NOT THE KILLER!

But, for some reason, they are very confident that this outcome will keep movie watchers satisfied, that people will actually sit there and go "Oh no! Deniro! How could you?!" and be totally baffled by the real outcome which is...dun Dun DUN!!!....PACINO IS THE REAL KILLER!

WHAT?! NO WAY?! DID YOU EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD SEE THAT COMING?!

And let's just wrap it all up with the attempt at a redemptive ending. Once you finally realize that Pacino is the killer there is an "intense" why-did-you-do-it conversation between the two main characters. His reason is because he lost faith in his partner, Deniro, when he planted the evidence. Yes that's right. This murderer starting killing because his partner planted a piece of evidence that sent a child sex offender to jail and he lost all faith in humanity. I know what your thinking, and yes you're right, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

So back to the writers. I am a writer myself, so I do not like to criticize other people's work to harshly since it had to be someone's brainchild. But come on! Who wrote that and then actually wanted to see it come to life? Who penned the last sentence, stared at it, and thought PURE GOLD!

And even worse? The producers! The Director! Everything that went into this movie! All the pre-production, production, post-production...no one thought to say "wait a minute, this movie sounds like a horribly cheap rip-off of a Boondock Saints-esque "vigilante justice" movie minus any substantial, beyond the surface meaning. Maybe we should stop."

Deniro, Pacino? WHY?!!! When you found out that 50 cent was your supporting role didn't you begin to question the quality of the production?

So to wrap it all up, I'm going to tell you how this should have played out. We will pretend that the writer of this film actually did like it. He sends it out, and, obviously, it gets turned down by every producer with a brain. Pacino and Deniro do not do the movie because it has zero substance and lacks emotional, character, and plot depth. The writer finally gets picked up. Yay for him! Lifetime channel wants to pick up his script for their next "Lifetime Original Movie" as long as he will concede to Deniro's character being utterly depressed and on medication, becoming addicted, and then having an affair with the Police Chiefs wife. The end.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I ALWAYS have a quote or a scene from a movie stuck in my head so with that in mind, every Friday be prepared to be enlightened by Tyler Durden, Don Corleone, Lefty, Jigsaw, Col. Nathan Jessup, Rusty Ryan, William Wallace, Jack Skelington, Spledini, Patrick Bateman, and many more. So without further ado, here is, as always, the good, the bad, and the ugly...Friday Favorite!

Patrick Bateman: "There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

American Psycho (2000)

Directed By: Mary Harron

Starring: Christian Bale, Justin Theroux, Josh Lucas, Reese Witherspoon, Willem Dafoe

American Psycho is not the kind of movie that you sit down to watch for a light and fluffy night. It is an intense movie, but absolutely wonderfully done. The movie represents our modern theology, a huge materialistic and superficial movement that began in the 80's(but that we have yet to pass). Patrick Bateman is a man who has a pretty face, a chiseled physique, a perfect tan, all the latest technology, a job that earns him the big bucks...he is seemingly perfect. However, in actuality Patrick Bateman is a serial killer.

This movie is all about the fact that nothing is what it seems. On the outside, Patrick Bateman is the epitome of the perfect man, but his lust for blood makes him nothing more than an animal.

Well, sadly to say, I went to see Hancock starring Will Smith today, and was severely dissapointed. The sad part is, though, that I really thought it was going to be bad to begin with. I'm going to try and keep this short and concise without many plot spoilers beings that it has just come out, but if your looking for entertainment, stray far from this movie. If you, however, are in need of making time stand still, this movie is exactly what you're looking for.

At only an hour and a half long, this movie tries to present a range of emotion and depth that falls so short, it's laughable. And that's exactly what I did, I laughed. Now, I hate saying this because I'm a writer and I see something like this, and it was obviously someone's brain child. It wasn't the kind of movie where you watch it and are like "wow, what was this person smoking?" It was just plain bad.

With an out of left field twist in the plot, and un-believable characters (both good and bad) this movie was just hard to sit through. I was either shaking my head or laughing. I don't consider Will Smith to be the best of the best, but I do like him and I did want to like this movie.

Like I said, I'm keeping this short and sweet, and awfully vague, I just don't want to give too much away just yet...plus it's 1 am. Anyways, we'll revisit the so-bad-it-lapped-good-and-went-back-to-bad-again Hancock at a later date....probably multiple times.

Fran

You people are witnessing history here...the first Friday Favorite! I don't know about the rest of you, but I ALWAYS have a quote or a scene from a movie stuck in my head so with that in mind, every Friday be prepared to be enlightened by Tyler Durden, Don Corleone, Lefty, Jigsaw, Col. Nathan Jessup, Rusty Ryan, William Wallace, Jack Skelington, Splendini, Patrick Bateman, and many more. So without further ado, here is, as always, the good, the bad, and the ugly...Friday Favorite.

Ed Wood: Why if I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage. The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.

Editor on Studio Lot: You forgot the octopus.

Ed Wood: No, no. I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.

Ed Wood (1994)

Directed by: Tim Burton

Starring: Johnny Depp, Bill Murray, Sarah Jessica Parker, Martin Landau

The movie Ed Wood, is quite simply about the worst director to ever even consider making movies. This film highlights Ed Wood and his friends in a hilarious protrayal of the infamous and zany director. Cinematic genius and director Tim Burton truly captures his audience, as does Johnny Depp in this unforgettably witty film. The lines will be in your head for weeks!

I'm going to break the traditional format of these things and do my p.s. first, that way the title makes sense right away...are you ready for this? I would just like to say that Dwayne Johnson cannot possibly think that after years of being called "The Rock" he can just switch to being called his actual name. Whether you like him or not, he was "The Rock" he is "The Rock" and he will always be "The Rock". Sorry Dwayne, you did it to yourself. Now onto the post that really has nothing to do with "The Rock".

Now, let's take a few factors into account here...I had never seen the original show, therefore there was nothing to ruin for me. I also went into the movie with low expectations since most "funny" movies today are anything but. And lastly, I must say, I have a weak spot for Steve Carell. However awful or great, annoying or funny you may think him, I have to say that I enjoy his acting when I'm looking for something funny to watch.

This movie was (surprisingly) not vulgar or dirty, it did not have an obscene amount of unnecessary language (which I find particularly awful in comedies. I mean it's one thing when you're about to get shot, or your chained inside a locked room with a dead man lying on the floor in front of you and no way out but to cut off your own foot** for you to be dropping the f-bomb every five seconds. But in general, people are happy in comedies and I don't know about you, but I find it a bit uneducated for people to talk like that day to day.)

Anyways, back to the topic at hand...this movie, while a "dumb" humor, kept me entertained through the whole thing. I walked out of the theatre feeling like I hadn't wasted my time. While there were a few parts I could have done without (though you will find that to be true in most movies) on a whole, I really did think it was funny.

For those who don't know, Get Smart involves two agents Agent 86(Carell, the main character) and Agent 99(Hathaway, his partner). Carell has been dreaming of being an agent for so long, but never got his break, but when the agency finally needs him out there, he is excited and ready to take the job. He is flaky and absent-minded, yet funny, endearing, and smart. His partner is tough, and a little rough around the edges, but you get to see her as an actual person as well, not just an agent, and she softens up.

All in all, this movie was light-hearted, funny, and fun! It's the kind of movie that you can watch with a bunch of people for a good time!

Fran

**-reference to Saw, for those unaware...