BERNERD REPORTS:
After watching “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”, I couldn't help but realize how similar his experience was with a little man named Edward Scissorhands. It could almost be viewed as volume two in the scissorhand-series. Looks like Burton had a differnt end in mind after all. The true ending is that The Uncommonly Gentle Man buys into The Culture of Death.

So here, for the first time, is the complete story of that man: “Edward Scissorhands: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”.

Once Upon a Time, there lived an inventor. He made many things I suppose. But he also created a man. He gave him insides. A heart. A brain. Everything. Well, almost everything. You see, the inventor was very old. He died before he got to finish the man he invented. So, the man was left by himself – incomplete and all alone. His name was Edward.

Edward lived for many years, all by himself. He worked in his garden. He enjoyed the sunshine. He was a kind man. An uncommonly gentle man. Then, one day, a woman arrived from the local development and brought Edward home.

There, Edward learned a lot of things. He learned about friendship. He learned about hard work. He learned about family. And, most importantly, he learned about love. He fell in-love with a girl named Kim. He protected her. He cared for her. He even created the snow for her. And when he was tricked into taking the fall for something he didn't do, he took the punishment gladly, because it was for her.

As the years past, the anger grew inside of him. Humanity was a stupid and barbaric race. Those who loved were naïve and stupid – as he had been. He and Kim had deserved to be smashed, to be destroyed and forsaken. Love had no place in a world so full of hate and ignorance. He reflected on his story with little pity.

There was a barber and his wife,
And she was beautiful.
A foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason and his life,
And she was beautiful,
And she was virtuous,
And he was... naive.

So, Edward decided to have his revenge. Not only on the people who drove him away, but on every human being. No one was worthy of this life.

Welcome to the grave... I will have vengeance.
Not one man... No, nor ten men... Nor a hundred can assuage me.
I will have you! And I will get him back even as he gloats;
In the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats.

Edward killed without mercy. He used his scissor hands to cut their throats. They spoke of beauty before they died, but what did they know? No human could look on beauty without defiling it. Even Edward himself.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit!
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.

And just to top it off, he devised the best part of his plan. He would feed them on their own. He created food from the dead and fed it to the living. What better way to prove his point?

For what's the sound of the world out there?
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
It's man devouring man, my dear!
And who am I to deny it in here?

He killed women. He killed children. He even killed Kim. And in the end, when one was faster than him, and it was his blood that graced the barbershop floor, he knew it was right. For all was wrong, and nothing was good. The world would be a better place if he never learned to love, and never discovered his hate. Because all love is hate. And all beauty, lust. And all dreams, illusions.

Afterall, the uncommonly gentle man was the biggest fool of them all.

NOTE: Tim Burton is a genius. There's no question about it. And I want to say upfront that this article in no way deals with the talent of the people involved or the quality of the film being discussed. That said, I am miserably disappointed at the message of “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”. Especially coming from Mr. Burton, who has always been a shining light in the darkness – providing the world with not only exceptionally well-made films, but also some of the only films to portray a redemptive storyline in modern Hollywood.