BERNERD REPORTS:
Anyone who's truly "into" independent film, will no doubt, at some point in their lives, go through a Tarantino-thing. I am here to say: please people, it's not necessary.

I was a big Tarantino nerd (and trust me, a nerd is all you'll ever be). I watched the movies religiously. I raved about the cinematography, the revolutionary material, the 'he changed the face of film' bull-crap, but, at some point, you wake up to the fact that the man being hailed as the 'new king of cool', is nothing but a sleazy film nerd who doesn't seem to own a shower.

The first thing you must realize when trying to cure Tarantinitis is that every scene you enjoyed is at it's core a rip-off of some B-movie little Quentin watched as a kid, or at his job at the video store years later. Kill Bill Vol. 1 was nothing more than an "ode" to Samurai movies, and Vol. 2 to the Spaghetti Westerns and other B-Westerns of his time. Samuel L. Jackson went so far as to say working with Quentin is nothing more than hearing old movies explained and pieced together - I don't remember his exact words, but it was something like: "You'll go from that shot in For a Few Dollars More where he picks up the watch, walking into a Bonnie and Clyde death in slow-motion thing".

My main problem with Tarantino is that, however talented he may be, he chooses to degrade the human being into such a slush of filth that at some point you have to stand back and say: "What the hell am I watching?". Is this cool? Or is this some disgusting guy who's made a living filming his own fetishes? You start to feel like you're spying on a guy in his basement, piecing together the very best violence for himself.

Quentin will always be the ugly step-sister of Inde-Film, but take it from a post-Tarantinite, just leave it alone. It's not a world you want to enter, no matter how many people tell you it's cool. I mean, just look at the guy who created it, and you tell me if it's cool or not...

BONUS FEATURE:
For those who can't stand it, and feel they must have the Tarantino lingo down in order to circulate at film parties, or to fit in with that 'cool guy' that quotes Pulp Fiction non-stop, here you go.

THE ALL-ACCESS TARANTINO KNOW-IT-ALL HANDBOOK
AKA: THE TARANTINO CONVERSATION GENERATOR
(decoder ring not included)

RESERVOIR DOGS: "Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?"
The Endless Dialoge. Oh, what genius! He shows us the truth about bad guys! Like Quentin says "Villians don't just sit around sharping their bullets", oh no, they sit around and talk about old Madonna songs.
Mr. Pink doesn't tip. This should be brought up at any restaurant setting. If someone else brings this up, be sure to slam them by saying "Nevermind what you normally do." This will hail you as the best Taraninite at the table.
They Walk in Slow-Motion. This, along with any other Tarantino opening, is to be remarked upon as being the best opening to any movie ever - of which, the Reservoir Dogs opening is the coolest.
The Choppy Time: This, like all of Tarantino's better known films, is not a linear story. It jumps forward and backward with title-screens and clever names, giving us 'insight' into the ending we see at the beginning. This is by far the most revolutionary and clever thing Tarantino has blessed the film community with. Though any film that in any way doesn't run linearly is a giant rip-off and should be shunned and mocked immediately by those who know 'the truth'.
The Mr. Blonde Torture Scene. Tarantino is to be hailed as the father of torture on television and film (thanks a lot) and this scene is sure to go down in history as one of the greatest ever filmed. Mr. Blonde cuts off a cop's ear and talks into, generating howls of laughter from any true Tarantino fan.
They all Die. Yep. Everyone, of course, except Mr. Pink, who gets away with the diamonds. The rest of the boys shoot each other at the same time in a big over-the-top ending. Freddy confesses to being a cop and Mr. White shoots him just as the police break down the door. Yay! No one lived! How awesome!

PULP FICTION:
Hamburger Jokes: Again, bad guys don't talk about bad guy things, they talk about what Hamburgers are called in different countries. When eating a hamburger, be sure to say "Roy-el with Cheese" to spark lots of awed looks from Tarantino fans around the restaurant. You are so cool.
Samuel L. is a god! In no way is Tarantino's portrayal of a black man allowed to be looked at as racist - even if he does have a wallet that says "bad mother fucker" on it and talks a lot about religion. Samuel L. Jackson is the coolest cool person ever to walk the face of the earth, and memorizing his bible speech is a jewel in the crown of any Tarantino fan.
Twist Contest. Yeah, Travolta dances. What a shocker...
The Adrenaline Shot. This scene never ceases to be suspenseful and brilliant to a true Tarantinite. The arguing is also 'very realistic', as is the camera shot peering in through a crack in the door as Eric Stoltz searches for his booklet on 'how to give adrenaline shots to druggies'. You may feel the need to yell "Get the shot!" whenever anyone is looking for anything, or if you are simply bored.
Gay Sex. Enough said.
The Cleaner. Harvey is back, and he's here to talk Tarantino into letting him use his bedsheets. How riveting can it get?
Funny Names. Be sure to recognize "Lemon Pie" and "Pumpkin". Isn't he brilliant?
Cool Exit. Although Travolta dies during the course of the movie, we still get to see him and Samuel L. walk out of the diner to that cool surfer music in those hilarious clothes. Could life get better?

KILL BILL.
All you need to know about Kill Bill I already stated. They are the best fan videos ever made, at the cost of a whopping 60 million dollars! Bravo, Quentin, Bravo.